Xander: Part 2, The Present (Rockstar Book 14) Read online

  "I can understand that, Tera. But what I'm hearing here is you talking about what everyone else deserves. What about you? What do you deserve? Don't you deserve for your husband and family to respect you enough to not have you humiliated in the press? Don't you deserve the happiness and peace I know you find with Xander?"

  "No. Not right now," I admit.

  "Why not, Darling?"

  "I need to figure out who I am before I can deserve any of that, before I have the right to demand it. I need to know if I'm still the girl who loves Xander as I once did. I need to know I want to step into that spotlight with him one day. I need to know that one day, I'll be strong enough to do that very thing, but right now, I'm not. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his sacrifice if I can't make one for him, too," I say aloud, realizing the real reason I let Xander go.

  "So, is that it then? For you and Xander?" Dante asks me softly.

  "For now. I need to be who he fell in love with and I need to be strong enough to face the chaos that goes with his lifestyle. I'm neither of those."

  "You're so much stronger than you think."

  "Not really. I'm pretty much a coward. It'd be different if I knew without a doubt nothing like the attack would happen to me again, but no one knows that. That fear paralyzes me, Dante. It terrifies me to feel someone's eyes on me, to have anyone standing behind me, to feel a stranger's breath on the back of my neck."

  He looks at me questioningly.

  "One night in the gallery, I was helping Angelina set up for a show. One of the workers asked me if the painting was straight. I could see a slant to the left. He meant no harm, only to see what I saw, so he stood behind me to get that perspective. I knew I was safe. I knew he wasn't going to hurt me, but I flashed back to that night when I was on my stomach and his alcohol-drenched breath filled my nostrils—well, that and the metallic scent of my blood," I hiccup, recovering from my ugly cry.

  "Jesus, Tera." He pulls me close. "Did you talk to someone about this?"

  I nod. "I have sessions with my therapist once a week. We had an emergency session when I walked blindly up the stairs to my apartment and Lincoln found me in the middle of the kitchen, in the dark, vomiting into the trash can."

  "I see. You don't have to help with the gallery, Tera. You know that, don't you? We don't expect that from you," he tells me.

  "I do. I know that, but I enjoy it and it's the only place I can go without stepping outside. I need that."

  "But you don't need the added trauma."

  "No, but how will I know what my triggers are if I never experience them?" I wonder aloud.

  He kisses my forehead. "Are you hungry?"

  "I could eat."

  "Then let's eat and, if you're up for it, we can come back to bed. We can just sleep if that's what you want. We can fuck if you want that. Or, if you need space, I'll walk you up to your apartment and say goodnight like a true gentleman," he states.

  "You're such a good man, Dante. Why would you want to waste your time with a train wreck like me?"

  "You're truly lovely and you're wild between the sheets."

  I laugh, as does he.

  "Let's eat and go from there," I offer.

  He nods, pulls on his boxers, and hands me his five-hundred-dollar button-down shirt to wear.

  "So," I say as we head to the kitchen, "what've you got to eat?"

  7

  XANDER

  There’s a smokin’ hot chick hanging all over me but I pay her no attention. I’m too busy looking at the image of Tera with Dante at her latest show. That fucker. I knew he wanted her. Who wouldn’t? But the fact that he’s made a move pisses me off like nothing else.

  “What’s got you looking like you want to kill someone?” Ethan asks.

  I show him, and he winces and nods. “Yeah, I saw that.”

  “You knew, huh?”

  He nods again.

  “How long?”

  “It’s not serious,” he hedges.

  “How long?” I ask again.

  “A couple weeks. They’re just…” He trails off, looking extremely uncomfortable.

  “They’re just fucking,” Jesse says bluntly.

  “How the fuck do you know?” I bite out. If he knew and didn’t tell me…

  “Dude, it’s obvious she’s not invested. His arm is around her. Hers are nowhere near him,” he reasons. “And, no. I didn’t know. I just found out right now when you did.”

  “Tera doesn’t just ‘fuck’. She’s gotta feel something for him if she’s sleeping with him.”

  Ethan sighs. “Okay. Here’s what I know. They went on a couple of dates, they’re fucking, but they’re not exclusive.”

  I raise my brows.

  “I asked Lincoln, alright? I knew you’d want to know eventually,” Ethan replies.

  “Thanks, man.”

  “Who is she?” the chick hanging on me asks.

  “None of your fucking business is who she is,” I tell her.

  “Rude,” she whines.

  “Don’t like it? Move the fuck along.”

  She huffs and walks away. Her spot is replaced with a busty blonde within seconds.

  I have no time to baby these chicks. I don’t want to. They’re nothing to me. Just an easy piece of ass.

  Jesse chuckles and raises his beer in a toast. He doesn’t put up with their shit either. They get what they want. They get to fuck a rockstar and brag about it to their friends.

  “Put the phone away, man,” Jesse demands. “Let’s get the hell out of here and go back to the hotel. I’ve got a little something planned.”

  The chick next to me claps and Jesse gives her a look.

  “You’re not invited,” he informs her.

  The girl next to him snorts. The one next to me stiffens.

  “Likely, you’re not invited either,” she tells the chick with Jesse.

  “She’s invited,” is all Jesse says. The other chick starts swearing and security pulls her out of the room.

  “Dude,” I say with a laugh.

  “Come on, Xan,” the chick with Jesse says. “Let’s go have some fun.”

  I lift a brow at Jesse and he just winks. Well, okay then.

  We get back to the room and the minute the door closes, the chick grabs me and pulls me in for a kiss. I turn my head.

  “No. I don’t do kissing,” I tell her. “Not on the mouth anyway.”

  She snickers. “I’m Dani, by the way.”

  I nod. She makes her way into the bedroom and I look at Jesse.

  “What’s the plan?”

  “Threesome, dude. This chick is a lot to handle and I didn’t think you’d mind helping out,” he answers.

  “Not exactly what comes to mind when I think ‘threesome’, but I’m game.”

  “We won’t do anything too crazy.”

  I nod and look at Jesse. I trust him. He trusts me.

  “You do this before?”

  “First time,” he tells me.

  “Same.”

  “Then let’s make it count.”

  She’s already naked when we get into the room.

  “Dude,” I whisper. “I don’t go down on strange chicks. Especially ones who are as easy as this one.”

  “Fuck no. She may be one of my regular chicks, but I don't know where she's been. So just finger her a bit, suck her tits, fuck her, but there won’t be any pussy licking,” he assures me. “You up for this?”

  I nod. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “The Tera thing.”

  “This isn’t the first chick I’ve fucked since Tera and I called it quits and she damn sure won’t be the last.”

  “What about the fact that you’re not even a little bit hard?” he asks, cupping me through my jeans.

  “Dude…” I trail off, feeling my cock getting hard from just the feel of his hand over my pants.

  “There’s bound to be some overlap,” Jesse tells me. “I wouldn’t trust anyone else, man. I’m not into you like that.”


  “Good, ‘cause I’m not like that, Jesse. No matter who it is. This won’t blur any lines?” I ask.

  “Nah. Sex is sex. What happens in this room stays in this room.”

  I meet his gaze and nod. Just that simply, everything’s cool. No weirdness, no fucked up feelings.

  We make our way to the bed, undressing as we go.

  “I’m not gonna hang out too long,” I inform them both.

  “But you’re gonna stay long enough to fuck me, right?” Dani asks.

  “Damn straight. Play with your pussy so you’re wet before we even get there,” I command. She does and it’s hot. She’s shaved, which is okay, I guess, but completely bare reminds me of little girls and that’s fucking sick, dude. I prefer a woman who trims. That’s fucking sexy as hell. Maybe I only think that because that’s what Tera does.

  Tera. I can’t believe she’s fucking that guy.

  Jesse reaches down and replaces Dani’s finger with his own.

  “Is she wet?” I ask.

  He looks up and smirks. “Oh yeah.”

  While he handles the business below, I lean in to suck on her nipples a bit. She’s got a really great rack. No fake tits for this one. Natural and… oh hell. I lose my train of thought when she wraps her hand around my cock and starts stroking. I look over and she’s doing the same to Jesse while he teases her pussy.

  “Stop teasing me,” she tells him and Jesse chuckles.

  “Greedy.”

  “Damn right. Women can have multiple orgasms so let’s see if you can give ‘em to me, boys,” she says in a fake southern drawl.

  I snort. “She doubts us, man.”

  Jesse nods. “I know it. She doesn’t know what she’s asking for.”

  “Give her one. Just a taste. I expect you to keep a running tally.”

  Within seconds, she’s moaning in ecstasy as Jesse finger fucks her while rubbing her clit.

  “How do you want to do this?” I ask Jesse.

  “She got her first orgasm, so it’s our turn. You fuck her while she sucks me off.”

  She moans. “I don’t know how much of you I can fit in my mouth, Jesse.”

  “Just take as much as you can,” he replies, moving to stand next to her. She needs no encouragement. She grabs his cock and starts sucking on it like a pro.

  I roll a condom on my cock and slide up between her legs on the bed. I lift her legs over mine, tilting her hips up before I push inside her.

  “How does she feel?” Jesse asks.

  “Tight. Hot. Wet,” I tell him as I start fucking her. I start out slowly, enjoying the feel of her pussy surrounding me.

  “She’s good,” Jesse tells me with a groan.

  “I can see that. You’re not gonna last, dude.”

  “Hell yeah, I am. Feels too good to blow this fast.”

  “Yeah,” I agree, starting to fuck her faster, and Jesse reaches down to start tweaking her nipples. Each time he pinches one, her pussy clenches around my cock and I groan. Jesse chuckles. “Not fair.”

  “Are you complaining?”

  “Fuck no.”

  She doubles her efforts with Jesse, taking more of his cock into her mouth. I don’t know how she does it. Jesse’s gotta be a good ten inches.

  “Shit,” I curse, feeling the tingling beginning at the base of my spine, my cock swelling as I get close to coming.

  “Take her hard, man. A little something to remember you by.”

  “I don’t wanna come until she does. She’s getting close again.”

  “Go ahead. I’ll help you out.” He teases and pinches her nipples and I grab her hips and start pounding into her.

  She’s close. So close… and so am I.

  I close my eyes and picture Tera—before all of this bullshit happened, when she had love and light in her eyes. When she loved me. When she wanted me. When I made love to her for the first time after the attack. When she gave herself to me—all of herself.

  I can only hear Tera in my head as she cried out in surprise when she came, the look on her face as she did. The feel of her pussy clenching so fucking tight around me. Jesus.

  I’m not even sorry that I blow before this chick does, but it’s not long before she joins, making my orgasm feel even that much better.

  I let out one last groan, then bow my head, eyes closed.

  I wish this was you, baby. I wish…

  I pull out and toss the condom.

  “You outta here?” Jesse asks knowingly.

  “Yeah, man.”

  He gives me a look and I know it’s one that says he’s sorry about Tera. But it’s not his place to be sorry. What’s done is done.

  I walk out of the room, feeling hollow and empty, the same as I’ve felt for the last six months without her.

  The word settled flows through my mind and all I can think in reply is: Fuck you.

  I’m not ready yet. If I’m not ready, she sure as hell isn’t. So we stay apart.

  For now.

  8

  TERA

  Dante and I have been casually seeing one another the last four months. We have a no-strings arrangement—meaning, when he goes out of town to his other galleries, he's free to fuck whoever he wants.

  The same goes for me… and I have. I've fucked a couple of guys who are regular patrons at the gallery. One was a mind-blowing quickie in the gallery restroom—he's been back a couple of times. Then, there's Clark—that experience was horrifying. From the way he fumbled, I was worried he was a virgin… so I left him alone in the bathroom. That's too much work for a quick orgasm.

  Now, Carter Winters walks into my gallery showing and I can't believe my eyes.

  "Tera!" he shouts across the room, heads turning in our direction as he strides quickly to me, pulling me up into his arms, spinning and hugging me tightly. I can feel those eyes on me and it raises the hairs on the back of my neck. Then I sink into the warmth that is Carter and remember I'm safe.

  "Carter!" I laugh. He sets me down. "What are you doing here?"

  "I heard you were having a show and I felt like a dick for never coming before now," he admits.

  "You're not a dick. You've been busy with football and school. Dude, you're being drafted into the NFL your junior year of college! I am so happy for you!" I hug him again.

  "Yeah? I'm pretty stoked. It's all happening so fast. But I'm gonna do it right. I'm gonna finish my degree with tutors—just in case, ya know?" he says with that cute tilt of his head.

  I smile. I can't stop smiling. "I always knew you were smarter than you looked."

  "Hey!" he laughs.

  I shake my head. "I am so happy to see you. I've missed you. You used to come over more."

  He hangs his head sheepishly. "I know. I'm sorry. I just can't keep up with all the demands on my awesomeness."

  I laugh out loud, really loud, then snort. Heads swivel in our direction again and I don't even care. I keep grinning. A flash goes off, then another. I freeze and grit my teeth. I'm not a stranger to the occasional photos from the press at my showings, but this is a private moment. This is what I don't want, why I need to stay out of the Falling Down spotlight. I'm not strong enough for it. Not right now.

  "Ah, they've spotted you," I inform him with a forced smile.

  "Let's pose," he proposes with a wink.

  In true Carter Winters fashion, he doesn't wait for my response. He merely wraps an arm around my waist, so I do the same to him. I lean into his side and he looks down at me. Shutters are clicking right and left as I turn to look up at him. He's safety. His smile is infectious and it isn't long before we're both laughing. This is the freest I've felt in such a long time.

  He hugs me close and I hug him back, closing my eyes and inhaling his familiar spicy scent.

  "You still fit, doll face," he says as we pull apart.

  I nod. "You always were a good hugger."

  "I'm good at more than just that," he teases, wiggling his eyebrows.

  "Oh, I remember."

  Angel
ina walks over. With Dante out of the country, Angelina flew in from the LA gallery to help me with my show. "I have someone interested in the bridge piece. Do you have a moment?"

  I nod. "If you'll excuse me?"

  "Heck no," Carter answers. "I'm coming along. I want to see the professional in action."

  "Whatever works for you," I say with a grin.

  I'm explaining what the piece symbolizes and answering the potential buyer's questions when Carter begins to wander, stopping at each piece of my work to examine them. I'm distracted now, as he nears a painting I don't want him to see. He'll recognize the trauma, the symbolism in the image even as the most astute art connoisseur only skims over it.

  I hurry the buyer, hating that I am, but hating the stiff set to Carter's shoulders as he approaches the image I'd hoped he wouldn't see.

  "I'll take it," Mr. Zonberg tells Angelina, and I smile brightly, thanking him profusely before excusing myself.

  I don't say anything. I merely stand beside Carter as he stares blankly at the scene before him. It's a scene I still see vividly in my head.

  "This…" he begins, then swallows thickly.

  "Carter. I'd hoped you'd skip this one."

  He shakes his head, not looking away from the dark painting. "I can't. It's exactly what I saw when I… heard."

  I reach over and thread my fingers with his, squeezing his hand a bit. We've never discussed what he went through, and yet I know it was a majorly traumatic incident for him. He needed extensive therapy, but even I know therapy can't rid a person of the memories.

  "I wish you'd hung up," I whisper, watching his face.

  "What? How could I? I couldn't leave you alone, Tera. I just… you needed me," he says, voice cracking.

  I tug his hand and he looks down at me, this big amazing man who was just a boy then.