Lullabye (Rockstar #6) Read online

  Jesse nods against me, then pulls back to meet my gaze. “Dead or alive. I want her back dead or alive. My baby sister deserves a proper burial if they killed her.”

  I swallow down my frustration, fear, and anger. “I’ll do my best, Jesse. You know I will.”

  He nods. “But not at the cost of you, Sera. Okay?”

  Now the tears fall. “Jesse.”

  “No. There’s a choice to be made here. It’s all about choices, right? That’s how life works. Make a choice, right or wrong, you won’t know until it’s already done. Well, this is my choice,” he states, looking at Ben, who nods his agreement. “She’s going to be so broken, Sera. She won’t even be Jana anymore. She’ll be an empty shell. So, I ask you, don’t risk yourself, because if she’s that damaged, she’s going to wish she was dead,” he finishes and I can only stare at him, then Ben.

  “Do what you can, but promise us you won’t risk yourself. Not if they did to her what you think they did—what you know they’re likely to do. Just—don’t,” Ben pleads.

  I nod. “All right. But I am going to kill some Manzini fuckers if they did to her what we fear.”

  “Good,” Jesse mutters as he stands, then holds his hand out to me, helping me up.

  “We’ll find her,” gampy affirms. “It’s just a matter of time.”

  “Time is a luxury we don’t have right now, right?” Ben asks.

  Gampy nods. “I’ve got men on it, Ben. The best men we’ve got.”

  “I wondered where Damian was,” Jesse mumbles. “I figured he’d be here since he’s half in love with Lucy. He’d worry about her in surgery.”

  Cage nods. “Only the best.”

  “Then there’s nothing more to do. I’m going to see my wife,” Jesse announces before walking to the door.

  “Me too,” Ben agrees.

  Jesse looks back at gampy and Cage. “Do what you need to do.”

  “Consider it done,” Cage replies.

  With a nod, Jesse and Ben leave the room, the door clicking quietly closed behind them.

  I look at Cage and Gampy and shake my head, my anger rising up. “If we bring her back, she’s going to be glad we got her out of there, but she’s going to wish they’d just killed her. She won’t make it.”

  “No, she won’t,” Cage agrees.

  “I can’t handle this,” I admit. “Jesus, this is our family. Why go after a Kingston and not a Russo or Manzini?”

  “They couldn’t get to Lucy or you, so they found a weakness, one we wouldn’t expect,” gampy muses. “And now, they’ll pay the price.”

  I meet his gaze, his icy and cold. Bad ass gampy is pretty damn scary. I understand now why he’s the Boss.

  “Let’s go see the babies and celebrate their innocence,” I urge. Lord knows they won’t have that innocence for long in this family and that thought makes my heart hurt.

  I WAKE UP to the sound of Jesse’s snores and I grin—then I wince from the pain in my abdomen. I open my eyes and move my hands down to my belly. The babies. Four babies. Oh boy. Boy, oh boy.

  Aunt Lily, you were right. Tricky in your delivery, but right. Thank you.

  I almost imagine her laughing. They’re all a bunch of funny fuckers in my family.

  The nurse walks in and gives me a smile.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m not sure yet,” I say honestly. “Still a bit numb I think.”

  “That’s normal and should be wearing off anytime now,” she tells me as she fiddles with my IV. She walks over and wraps the blood pressure cuff around my arm.

  “Has it gotten better?” I ask.

  “Yes, much better. You gave us all quite a scare,” she whispers, her eyes bouncing over to where Jesse’s still resting.

  “I can only imagine,” I murmur. I can’t tear my gaze from Jesse. Even in sleep he looks restless—almost fretful.

  “Well, that’s better,” she announces.

  “Normal?”

  She snickers softly. “No, but we’re getting there.”

  Jesse rouses, stretching his arms over his head. With the angle his head was resting, he’s likely got a stiff neck.

  “You’re awake,” he announces, then jumps up and gives me a kiss.

  “I just woke up. How are the babies?”

  He pulls back and the smile he’s wearing is the biggest I’ve ever seen. I can’t help but smile right along with him.

  “They’re great. Small, but great.”

  I reach for his hand. “Are they okay? I mean, health-wise? Are there any concerns?”

  “A few, but nothing major. The biggest concern is their weight. They want to watch and see how they do with feeding and if they gain weight.” The nurse leaves the room and Jesse presses his lips to mine. “They wanted to know if you’d be breastfeeding.”

  I snicker. “Breastfeeding four babies? I just can’t see that being possible. I’m sure someone will come by and talk to me about it. Maybe we can alternate with formula.”

  He nods, concern etching his face.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  “You were bleeding, Luce.”

  “I know—”

  “No,” he says, cutting me off. “You were bleeding some when you were awake, but they put you under and they couldn’t find the bleed. They almost had to do a hysterectomy and I told them to do whatever it took to save you.”

  I blow out a breath, stunned at the thought of how horrifying that must have been for him—what that would have meant for me. “Well, nothing half way with us, huh?”

  “Doesn’t seem like it.”

  I meet his gaze. “I would have agreed with you—to remove my uterus. I would never want to risk not being there for you and the babies. Not ever.”

  He nods again. “I want to talk to you, Luce. Seriously.”

  “Okay,” I say cautiously.

  “We have four babies.”

  I nod.

  “I don’t know what your thoughts are about having more, but after this pregnancy and all that’s happened, I think I’m good with just four if you agree,” he says softly, his eyes sincere and worried.

  “I don’t think I’m going to want any more babies either, Jesse. We’ve got a big family already—I mean, four babies! I can’t imagine adding any more to that. I’m sure, with three Kingston boys, they’re going to run me ragged—and I’m not taking a chance on having multiples again. Nuh-uh. No way,” I tell him straight up. “This pregnancy, I loved it, don’t get me wrong, but it was difficult. I want to enjoy us and our family.”

  “Okay.”

  “Were you afraid to talk to me about that?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “A little. I wasn’t sure if you’d feel the same.”

  “Jesse. We will always find a compromise. We’ve been doing pretty great at it so far.”

  “That’s true. But can we find a compromise on names,” he begins. “We have four babies who need names. Calling them a number just isn’t right.”

  “That, and we need to name them before Xander does,” I tease.

  “Don’t joke about that. He’s already talking about all the things he’s going to teach them,” Jesse tells me with a chuckle.

  I groan. “Good God, we’re really in for it.”

  Jesse laughs. “In the best way.”

  I nod. “So, names. Let’s do the ‘K’ names like we talked about, but ones that aren’t so common.”

  “I like that idea. Do you have any in mind?”

  “Um… what about Kaid.” I go over how I’d like to spell it and Jesse’s eyes light up.

  “Yes, that I like. Middle name?”

  “Lorenzo? After gampy’s brother?” I suggest. His mouth goes hard for just a second, but I see it. Now what?

  “Kaid Lorenzo. One down, three to go,” he says with a laugh.

  “You pick,” I tell him.

  “Shit, I don’t know, Luce,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “What if I pick a name and it doesn’t fit?”

  “C
an we go to the NICU? See them and decide?”

  “I’m not sure they’ll let you move around yet, but we can ask.”

  I press the call button and get ready to meet my babies.

  An eternity later, after throwing a fit to get my way—I’m not ashamed to say I used tears, and after tons of tubes are removed—including a catheter… gah—I’m being wheeled to the NICU. I’ve still got my IVs in and they’re hanging from the pole on the wheelchair, but oh my god does it feel good to have all that other crap off of me. Catheter—gah!

  “You doing okay?” Jesse asks.

  “It’s not the most comfortable thing to be sitting after being cut wide open like that and then sewn shut.” I feel kind of hollowed out. If I’d had to have my uterus removed, it’d feel so much worse.

  “I’m sorry, Cupcake. Is there anything I can do?”

  “Not really. It’s a good kind of pain.”

  “Huh?” he asks, looking at me confused.

  I snicker. “I’ll take this pain and have it be a good pain because we got them from it.” I point at the babies through the window.

  His expression softens, his emotions shining in his eyes. “Yeah. Mini-us’s.”

  I nod. “Can we go in?”

  “You can,” the nurse tells us, “but you’ll need to wash your hands and wear scrubs.”

  “I can handle that.”

  It doesn’t take long for us to get washed and scrubbed—heh, see what I did there? Oh God. I’m starting to think like Xander.

  “Oh, Jesse.” Tears flood my eyes as I see my babies—really see them, for the first time. “So tiny,” I whisper, unable to tear my gaze from them. Tufts of black hair on all four heads.

  “Baby boy number one is Kaid Lorenzo,” Jesse tells the NICU nurse and she writes it down. “We’re deciding on the rest right now.”

  She smiles and nods. “Just let me know.”

  “What do you think, Jesse? Another K for the first name.”

  “How about Killian?”

  “I really like that. What about a middle name?” I ask.

  “This is harder than it seems,” Jesse states with a chuckle.

  I nod. “It’s their names for the rest of their lives. This is important.”

  “Matthew? Killian Matthew?”

  “Oh, I really like that a lot.”

  He narrows his eyes. “It’s not for M. Shadows, woman.”

  I snort.

  He points at me. “It’s not.”

  “Okay. Sure. Yep,” I smirk.

  He sighs.

  I grin. “Thank you.”

  “Cupcake, don’t thank me for loving you.”

  Tears fall and Jesse hands me some tissues.

  “I’ll need to wash my hands again,” I say between sniffles.

  “You pick the next. I’m all out of K names,” Jesse tells me.

  “Oh boy. What about Konnor with a K?”

  Jesse nods. “Manly name. I like it.”

  I snicker. “Middle name…”

  “Anthony.”

  I look to Jesse in surprise and delight. “That’s so perfect.”

  He nods. “Your dad’s a great man.”

  “Konnor Anthony. It’s perfect.”

  “Girl name? Look how tiny she is, Luce. Her little lips sucking.”

  I can’t help but grin. Their red wrinkled skin, ten fingers, ten toes—I checked—and button noses. “They’re all so beautiful.”

  “How about Kierah,” Jesse suggests.

  “I love that!” We pause, just looking at our children—our children! Reality begins to set in. We have four babies. We have four babies. We have four babies. Oh boy, oh boy.

  “Middle name?” he asks, pulling me out of my mini-panic.

  I know immediately. “Carlotta,” I whisper.

  Jesse nods. “Perfect.”

  “No more calling her baby girl Kingston,” the nurse tells us.

  “Kaid Lorenzo. Killian Matthew. Konnor Anthony. Kierah Carlotta.” I look at Jesse. “They’re all perfect little Kingstons.”

  We are truly blessed.

  NEW LIFE PUTS things into perspective. So does death and I know Jana’s dead or wishing she were. I want to howl in frustration, in anger, and I want to blame Giovanni and Cage, but I’m not stupid. I know it’s not their fault. They’ve been doing everything they can to protect us all—and it was my parents who got us wrapped up with the Manzinis to begin with. They’re the ones who couldn’t pay their debts to both Giovanni and the Manzinis, and while Gio got his closure with their deaths, the Manzinis didn’t. That shit doesn’t go away just because they’re dead. Someone has to pay and I guess it’s my sister.

  “What was she thinking?” Lucy asks, horrified.

  “I don’t know, Luce. He probably conned her.”

  “At the price of her life! Jesse, I’m so sorry.”

  She reaches for me and I walk into her open arms, letting her hold me, calm me.

  “I don’t know what to do, Luce,” I whisper against her neck as she runs her fingers through my hair. “If she comes back, she’s going to be so fucked up.” I shudder at the thought.

  “Shh. I don’t know which would be worse,” she admits, saying exactly what I’m thinking.

  “I don’t wish her dead, but if they did kill her, I hope it was quick. And if they tortured her and raped her and she’s alive—”

  “Then we’ll deal with it. We’ll help her the best we can.”

  I hear the tremble in Lucy’s voice and I know she’s trying hard to believe the words she’s saying. I nod against her neck, breathing in her scent, letting it calm me. Only she can do this for me. The mother of my children. God. She’s just… everything.

  I hold her tighter and she tightens in return.

  “I love you so much, Luce. I was so scared in there today. I have no idea what I would do without you.”

  “Shh, Jesse. It’s okay. You won’t ever have to find out.”

  I nod again, just holding on, trying not to lose my shit like I did earlier. She doesn’t need that right now. This is already too much.

  There’s a soft knock at the door and I sit up, wiping my eyes, positioning myself next to Lucy on the bed.

  “Come in,” she calls out.

  “There you are,” Sera says, walking in quickly, straight to Lucy. The hug is instant. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine,” Lucy whispers.

  Sera pulls back. “Don’t ever do that again!”

  Lucy snickers. “I’ll do my best.”

  “Good,” Sera tells her with a nod. “They all want to know if they can come in.”

  Lucy smiles. “Of course.”

  “She said to get your butts in here!” Sera yells and the door opens—chaos erupts.

  I sit there holding Lucy’s hand while she fields questions, replying to the ones she doesn’t have the answers to.

  “So tells us,” Regina begins. “What did you name them?”

  “The K Quads!” Xan announces and I can’t help but laugh.

  “Catchy,” Lucy snickers.

  “Names!” Meggie says with a bounce.

  “Kaid Lorenzo,” Lucy says and Carlotta gasps.

  “That’s such a lovely thing to do,” Nana Russo tells Lucy. Giovanni nods his agreement.

  “Killian Matthew.”

  “Holy smokes,” Sera says wiggling her eyebrows.

  Lucy laughs and I glare. Them and their fucking M. Shadows.

  “Konnor Anthony,” I announce, meeting Lucy’s dad’s gaze and his eyes get shiny as he grins.

  “Thank you,” he says.

  “It makes me proud to name my boy after a good man.

  “You’ve always supported me no matter what. I know you’ll do the same with our boys,” Lucy says softly and Anthony inclines his head. Regina goes to his side, wrapping her arms around him.

  “Such a thoughtful thing to do,” Regina agrees.

  “What about my girl?” Xan asks.

  “The hell
you say,” Ben answers.

  “What? She’s my niece too.”

  “Oh dear Lord,” I mutter.

  “Kierah Carlotta,” Lucy says.

  Nana Russo smiles so wide she glows.

  “All these babies,” Sera whispers. “Perfect names,” a tear falls.

  Lucy smiles softly. “We considered Lily for her middle name, but it felt like it belonged to you and Lilyana.

  “You’re just trying to wreck me, aren’t you?” she teases through a sniffle.

  “They just wanted to make sure you still cried tears and not ice,” Nana says and Lucy gasps.

  “Nana,” Lucy scolds.

  She shakes her head. “I won’t apologize for it. I know all. You need to stay on this side of that line, Serafina. Crossing it will turn you into something you were never meant to be.”

  “I won’t, Nana. I can’t. I promise you,” Sera reassures her.

  Carlotta watches her for a minute then nods. “Good.”

  “How long do the babies have to stay in here?” Xan asks.

  “I don’t know. It’ll be a while. They want them to gain some weight and maintain it before we can take them home,” I answer.

  “They’ll be home for Christmas, right? That’s over a month from now.”

  “I hope so,” Lucy responds.

  “Are you able to breastfeed?” Regina asks.

  “I’d hoped to try where we could alternate between formula and breast milk, but with them on TPN and the feeding tube, I’d have to pump until they were ready and it’s just too much of a hassle.”

  “Maybe with the next one,” Regina states.

  Lucy and I look at one another, then she looks at her mom.

  “There won’t be any more.”

  “What do you mean? Did something happen?” Anthony asks.

  “No—well, yes. Jesse told you. But we decided that four babies are enough.”

  “That pregnancy was hard on you,” Sera admits.

  “Totally. You got so huge,” Xan says, earning him a middle finger salute from Lucy. That’s my girl!

  “I admit, I was big and it was uncomfortable. Getting around was a chore already at four months, and with the possibility of having multiples again, we decided we don’t want to risk my health again,” Lucy informs them.

  No one says anything. It’s a little uncomfortable until Coley steps forward.